I am tired of being secretly embarrassed. Tired of explaining why I don’t work. Tired of pretending I am planning some gigantic revamp of my career when I “have the chance” to re-enter the workforce once both boys are in school.
Several years ago, I realized that each time I talked to someone about the fact that I’m a stay-at-home-mom I made a point to say that “I worked full-time until my first one was a year old.” I was using it as some sort of entrée into the world of smart, hard-working feminists that I used to feel I was a part of. That was the first time I became aware that I was quietly ashamed of not working. Secretly embarrassed by my life.
You see, here’s the deal…I love being a stay-at-home mom of two kids. Love it. Love, love, love it. Today in the middle of the afternoon, I rocked my 2-year-old boy to sleep in my arms. We were sitting in the sunshine in my great-grandmother’s squeaky wooden rocking chair. I felt so connected to my beautiful boy and my mother, my grandmother and her mother who all rocked their babies to sleep in this same rhythmic chair. It was bliss.
Now, I am making homemade chicken stock as I write this. What a joy. I love that our lifestyle is slow enough that I can appreciate these moments. Motherhood did not come easy for me and now that it is here, I will savor each moment. I am finished with being embarrassed by this wonderful gift that I have been given.
I am lucky enough to be able to stay home and I’m lucky enough to have two kids and I’m lucky enough to have finally found the career that I always pretend I’m still searching for. I’m good at this and it makes me happy and fulfilled. This is it for me. I’m a mom. I’m a mom and a feminist and I want to be at home. I’m damn lucky.
So, here’s the deal. I’m done pretending that I’m just waiting things out until I can jump back in. I don’t feel like I’m selling myself short or giving my life to my kids. I feel like this is the job that I’m good at and I love it and I am going to embrace it. I choose to see motherhood as the career path that I have chosen and, if that’s the case, I’m going to do the best work that I can. I hope to raise two nice human beings and enjoy our lives in the process and that’s a pretty fantastic gig.
So, there it is. I’m a stay-at-home mom and I’m not going to pretend that it’s a pit stop anymore. This is it for me. The race is over. I have found where I belong and I’m thrilled that I’m smart enough to realize it.